Meditations on a Death, Grief & Gratitude
reluctantly Revisiting:
The story of that cold dark winter…
I didn’t want to write this, to slog through the memories of that cold dark winter, but I pulled out the box where I stored all the papers and miscellany around my husband’s death and estate. It was easier now, almost 10 years later. So many things that didn’t really register then (not unexpectedly) and, while sad, it is gratifying to realize how much help we had and how many people loved him and us. I was so enveloped in my grief, I didn’t realize all the efforts my family and friends gave, especially my brothers and their spouses.Â
NEITHER PEACEFUL, PAINLESS NOR PROLONGED
His death was neither peaceful, painless nor prolonged. Although we had known about his cancer diagnosis for some time, he had a fairly normal existence until a month before the end. But then we had to move him to the hospice about 10 days before he died because we couldn’t control the pain. I have a journal, written mostly by my sister-in-law, detailing all of the people who sat with him and/or provided other types of support.
Ashes Resting in an antique asian vaseÂ
My brother and I had talked to the ministers at my church, who had compiled a list of funeral homes and crematoriums that had been used satisfactorily by other congregants. We chose one and they picked up his body from the hospice. They brought him back to me in a plain cardboard box a day or two later. My husband and I had gotten a beautiful antique cloisonne vase with a lid on our first trip to Asia. I put him in there. In fact, he is still there as I want my ashes scattered with his.
Intimate Conversation with a parrotÂ
His daughters and I and my ministers planned the service. It was a mix of things—we each got to put in things that would comfort us: for me it was a poem by Wordsworth and music by Sibelius; for my deceased husband, some wisdom from Captain Kirk and an excerpt from Star Wars; and a poem and the song Puff the Magic Dragon for his daughters. His daughters’ eulogy complained about having to compete with his pets for time and attention. A friend gave a formal eulogy. Then it was open to anyone who wanted to speak. The front of the order of service pictured him having an intimate conversation with his parrot and the back had a description of his life and loves.
Fortified by emptying the “wine snob’s” cellar
After the service, the church provided some modest refreshments. I was able to have a nice buffet supper catered for 20 or so of our closest family and friends at our house. My spouse was a wine snob with a large and diversified cellar. We brought it up and drank most of it.
This all fortified me for the weeks of tedious labor settling his estate.